This is where you live. (The blue one in the background, to be clear.)

Yes, it’s true, I am an Intergalactic Space Alien. I Can’t Tell You Where I Am From Yet, But I’m Here To Help…

I’ve been on Earth now for almost 50 years and, to be completely honest, y’all are just plain weird.

I won’t share with you everything I have experienced or every place I have visited- or every thought. But, planet Earth is still experiencing a global pandemic- so I thought at least if I could write about my experiences and share what I have learned, it might actually give y’all a chance to fix things. Otherwise, yes, it is true- we have been wanting to blow up your planet for some time to make way for an intergalactic space highway. (And y’all think the price tag for President Biden’s infrastructure package is high…)

For hundreds of thousands of years, my species has watched from afar, with much interest and amusement. Your first interaction with fire was pretty hilarious. The wheel, too. (My friends and I had a really good laugh at that one.) Over time, you’ve experienced some really great moments. And some really horrible ones, too.

First, before I go any further- I feel I have to let you in on a little secret: we have a non-interventionist policy with inhabited worlds. But… that space laser thing? I am so, so sorry for that. Really. My bad.

But, that does not mean I can’t share a few stories, right?

So here’s a little bit about me (and my species, which I will not name).

First, yes- we can shape-shift. Right now I look human, I speak… human, I do human-y things. (Yes, I pick my nose. No, I do not leave the toilet seat up. Batter fried cheese curds are awesome, but I also enjoy caviar and sushi. No, we don’t eat humans.)

In my least favorite human form (bald, middle aged white guy with a spinal cord injury), I have lived mostly in the United States of ‘Murica, but I’ve been to every state except Alaska. (My species is at war with the ones you call Saskwatch, so technically- I cannot go there. Okay, maybe “can’t” isn’t the best word. It’s more like I shouldn’t go there otherwise the entire region could get really radioactive, really quick.) I’ve been to Europe too, and Iraq, and even fought in one of your wars.

Like some of you, in my human form I’ve been to college and even earned a degree. I’ve done work and I’ve done what some people call work. Of course, I haven’t “partnered” with anyone or had children as, well, that would be weird. And we’re not exactly sure what that would do to your species- or ours, for that matter.

This darn pandemic thing… is- and I’m using the word “is” here as it very much still is a thing, and y’all need to remember that- is ANNOYING. I hate it. I hate it so much as it is keeping me from doing what I am supposed to be doing: research for my publisher. (LONG story, some other time…) But first my spinal cord injury cut me off quite a bit from experiencing humanity with you, and then the pandemic cut y’all off from me. I mean, how can I experience humanity when you’re all… sitting at home?

So, I am glad to see more and more people going out now- where and when they can, and safely. And getting vaccinated, when they can- where they can, safely. (Even my medical staff back home have been worried about this pandemic and whether or not humanity could survive the social disruption which has happened- and some of which is yet to come because, as I just mentioned, and my own science experts are telling me, it won’t be over until everyone has been vaccinated and the virus stops spreading, mutating and infecting, and- of course- repeating that cycle. So, please be smarter than a virus y’all!)

Strangely, in addition to the pandemic, y’all have been just killing your planet for some time. And yeah, I’m talking about climate change- but not just climate change. Your choices with respect to energy and your careless attitude towards the environment is also a serious concern, as is your endless production of stuff without considering what happens to it after its produced. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? Seriously. WHY? You do realize this is the only planet you’ve got, right? Do you seriously think any species would want you to visit- even as a guest- after how poorly you’ve treated your own home? Seriously, y’all need to fix this. (That teenager from Sweden has a better grip on this than most of you.)

In my travels, I’ve seen glimmers of hope. But also some really, seriously silly human behavior. On my planet, we have something like your democracies and governments. In our history, we’ve had moments where we wanted and encouraged our fellow citizens (to use one of your words) to vote… without actually encouraging our fellow citizens to vote, if you know what I mean. But over time, we said “To heck with all the hoo-hah!” and realized it was better, easier, cheaper and far more effective to just let people vote. Sure, we still checked their identification paperwork- which we actively help them secure prior to our “Make a Difference Days” and “Let Your Voice Be Heard” laugh-alongs (we don’t sing; we laugh). But hells bells, during the days we’ve set aside for elections- we don’t just “let” people vote, we encourage it! And what a huge difference it has made! (I mean, who’s visiting who’s planet? Huh? Am I right or am I right?)

And since we’ve made those changes- our world changed, too. People (and I’m using that term loosely, here) are more aware of what are governments are doing, and the governments are more aware of what their people really need- AND what they don’t need or want. It’s truly amazing how much of a difference encouraging all of our people- and I do mean ALL of them, even the younger ones- to vote has made. (And yes, we did away with political parties a long time ago. We use direct voting and the money (and yes, we have something like your money, too…) that used to go towards what you call politics, we now use for social programs that actually help our people. It’s probably one of the most significant changes to our society- in addition to encouraging everyone to vote- we’ve ever experienced. Well, other than intergalactic space travel, that is…

I have to share with you something else that really sucks… in my human form- yeah, the middle aged white guy with a spinal cord injury, I also experience some really crappy stuff you call “mental health” or something. For my species, it’s all just “health” as it’s all important- physical, mental, emotional, and yes spiritual, even. (But don’t go getting all excited: spiritual for us is not a thing of deities or worship, but of just being AWARE and in the moment… it’s really nifty, you should try it sometime.)

But this may be one area where I think I- the intergalactic space alien who seems to be having something some of you call a “coming out party”- may be able to help with. You see, I wasn’t always an alien with a spinal cord injury. That happened after I left one job (the one that brought me that experience of fighting in one of your wars) and I was trying to set out on some kind of new experience- maybe trying out life as a fish, whale or as a large land animal. But before I could figure out how that would work and where I would put all my stuff while I toured the Pacific Ocean or some African safari, the spinal cord injury happened.

Now, I had gone through a variety of mental health “things” in my experiences before taking up arms as a member of your army, and I truly thought I handle on them (using something called CBT and something called THC and CBD), but then my spinal cord injury happened- and, instead of healing myself- I thought, somewhat perversely “Hey… this could be fun! It might actually give me more insight into the human experience and condition!”

What a load of crap. Seriously.

Here is my first little bit of advice to you, human: if you ever have the chance to experience a spinal cord injury, don’t. Just don’t. I don’t know how that would work. I don’t know if someone would walk up to you on the street and say “Hey, would you like a spinal cord injury?” I mean, what would you say? “Yeah, sure!” or would you be more like “Sorry man, I really don’t have time… gotta run!” Well, however the opportunity may be presented to you: say no. Decline. Especially if you think your healthcare provider might someday offer you an autopsy as a diagnostic tool- and I say that regardless of whether or not you are like me- an alien- or like you, human (I presume).

Anyhoo… after my spinal cord injury, I had to revisit all that mental health stuff AGAIN. And it sucked. PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and even a weird little monster called ADHD Inattentive Type. But I did it: I worked through it- or at least I thought I did. And then BOOM- no, not a battle between me and Saskwatch in the Pacific Northwest: BOOM the pandemic started. At first I thought “Hey, I got this!” then I realized in the time in my human form, I’ve actually experienced flu and, since my SCI, pneumonia. Wait, could it be that this SARS-CoV-2 thing could impact me- an intergalactic space alien- too, just like flu and pneumonia?

Well, I’m very aware of this thing some of you silly humans call conspiracy theories, but the intersection of space aliens (like me) and Covid-19 is suspiciously NOT among them. (Now that, to me, is really, really… weird. Weirder than space lasers- and, again- I am really sorry about that. I have since sent that device to burn up in your atmosphere. It won’t happen again, I promise. At least, not by me, anyway.)

In the early days of the pandemic, I was in it. On it. And it was intense. I followed almost every story and tried to sort through all noise and nonsense, but also the good and high quality information that was out there- again, all as a part of the research I’m doing for my publisher. When the misinformation and highly politicized information about the virus came out, I thought, perhaps naively, “Hey… I can help. I’ll share quality apolitical info and encourage people to #BeSmarterThanAVirus: to get vaccinated if they can, to monitor Covid-19 and vaccination rates in their community- including variants- and to encourage others to do the same. And its been an interesting social experiment: some people see the phrase and have an immediate “A-hah!” moment. They get it. Others, don’t… but with my ESP, I can tell it’s because their first thought is “the virus ain’t that big of a deal. Some dude with spray tan told me it was just a flu” and yes, while that may indeed be the main thought in their heads, when I try to engage them to grasp their understanding of this virus, I often learn they are operating with outdated opsec and intel and their adherence to that misinformation is really setting them up for a pretty significant snafu. (See what I did there? I used some words from my time in one of your armies! How cool is that!?!)

So here I am, offering assistance. I may write about pandemic related stuff, my very independent opinions and observations on your world, my own experiences traveling or with health or mental health. Heck, I may even write a little bit about that thing you call politics. I may read and respond to comments, but there’s also a good chance I may ignore them. But be nice- or polite at least. (Why? Because all members of my species have ESP and telekinesis (and I know where you live).

Wait… you didn’t you really expect me to say “Take me to your leader?” did you?



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